And it came to pass that The Mother sent out a decree,
that all the Firstborns in the land must cut -- not trim -- their hair.
As the shaggyness and poofiness was most displeasing unto her.
And The Firstborn was exceedingly sorrowful -- for, like Samson,
he believed in his heart that his unshorn tresses beheld mighty power.
Therefore, he believed the shearing was like unto
the floods and famines of old...
Yea, it was even as plagues and locusts and the quaking of the earth...
And The Firstborn was wont to curse (at) The Mother for compelling him to this lowly and powerless state.
But The Mother remained steadfast and,
as she documented the experience for posterity (and publishing),
she waxed philisophical with The Firstborn,
extolling the virtues of the transformation...
which included words like "healthy scalp" and "split ends"
and "seeing your face is a good thing."
And The Mother, possessing wisdom in these matters,
proclaimed the greatest blessing that could come from this adversity:
"Girls prefer guys whose hair is shaped and stylish,
not overgrown and nappy."
Upon hearing this,
The Firstborn chose to bear his burden more cheerfully.
And The Mother was pleased to behold his face,
as it had been an eternity since she had seen it in its fullness.
And peace was restored in the land once again.