The Best Singer Gets the Finger

My calling at church is the Primary Chorister. For those of you who are, say, Catholic (and, therefore, have the luxury of sitting through Mass in relative peace and relaxation), this means that I'm in charge of teaching music to the children in our congregation every Sunday. The Primary organization is for all children ages three through 11.. and remember, Mormons take the "multiply and replenish the earth" mandate pretty seriously... so that means I teach music to about 27,000 kids every week, give or take a few.

Ok... maybe slightly less than that. But not by much.

I've been the chorister for two years now, and I love it so much that I've formally requested that my tenure in this post become similar to a Supreme Court Justice appointment... or like being inducted into the Mafia, minus the racketeering and the body in the trunk. You know... a called-for-life-don't-even-think-about-going-anywhere-because-this-is-it-for-you kind of situation.

We have all kinds of fun learning new songs and singing old favorites... and because we're having so much fun, I've been known to stick my foot in my mouth a time or two over the years... but nothing like what happened today.

For the new song we're learning this month, I came up with a TEAM theme. To help teach the song in an interactive way, I have several team-theme props that the kids are using: Little pennants, pom-poms... I even bought a couple of foam fingers, like this one:

Today I was choosing certain kids... those who were singing the best... to come up and select a prop from my bag. Then they got to be part of the "pep squad" that stayed up in front and cheered the other kids on to sing great. One by one, the props were pulled from the bag and we'd sing our song... until there was only one prop left in the bag: A green foam finger.

The kids knew it was the last prop in the bag... they were totally pumped to sing great and, therefore, have a chance at being chosen for the "pep squad"... so they were all excitedly chattering away. Remember, there's 27,000 kids (give or take) in the room, so it's getting louder by the second... and the wheels are starting to come off the truck.

This motley crue of Mormon kids can go from Hallowed Angels to Animal House in about six seconds flat. I've seen it with my own two eyes, and it's not pretty. I wasn't about to let that happen... so, hollering over the chatter, I reminded the kids that they ONLY had a chance to be on the pep squad if they were singing... not talking.

And then, being the clever girl that I am, a catchy phrase popped into my head. The phrase rhymed... it was perfectly suited to the occassion... and frankly, I couldn't have been more proud of myself for thinking of it so quickly. So without hesitating I let it fly, loudly and proudly:


I'll just let it hang there for you... just like it did in the Primary room for about three seconds.

The longest.

The kids got quiet... and then they suddenly felt weird and awkward, but you could tell they weren't exactly sure why. The adults got big eyes, and then their hands immediately covered their mouths as they tried stifling smiles and laughter.

The Primary Chorister was horrified by the realization that she just, in effect, told 27,000 Primary children that she'd be firing off a lewd gesture for their efforts. She was aghast that she'd fallen victim to that horrible thing: The thing where something sounds AWESOME in your head and then, as soon as you give voice to it, it's a huge mistake that makes you want to jump into an active volcano.

Thankfully, we were able to move forward rather quickly. The song was beautiful, and nobody... I repeat, NOBODY... got the finger.

Nevertheless, I'm half expecting the Bishop to call me tonight... after all, his three kids are part of the 27,000... but with any luck, they've forgotten all about the incident.

I'll cross my... uh... fingers.


SUZ said...

OH. MY. GOSH!!! I AM IN STITCHES!!! Although, I do have to say that by paragraph #4, I totally knew where this one was going. Whew. What a doozey K Fraud!! I only wish I was there to hear that one go down!!!

Nicole said...

LOVE this post! I am laughing so hard right now. Only from K-Ho!